I disappointed my mom .. I don’t know what to do or how to fix this… All I wanna do is cry into bed and sleep for years .. The one person I never wanted to disappoint was my mom and look where I am now fuck me, fuck life ..
I wanna talk to him about this because I just need him to be the friend I once had in high school but look .. You aren’t . Please please please ..
I cannot deal with this .. No one understands me .. well thats how I feel. I feel as if no one is comprehending what is going through my mind. Two of my best guy friends from UW dont support me in the decision I am making but are not understand the outcomes of it. My best friends are stressed and I never wanna put anything over them because it is honestly not there job… I just ugh.. I hate being on the west side. Well in this house to be exact. I came home to work.. I came home to fuckin work. I did not come home for the holidays, I did not come home to sleep in my “comfy” bed.. I honestly didnt. Me and my father do not talk. Yeah its been uhm .. lets see almost 5 months and to some people that might be oh thats not that bad.. BUT the thing is.. he lives at home . Yes him and my mother are still together and they are very unhappy. I have no idea why they are still together.. I feel as if my mom is afraid to leave him. Honestly, if my mom left him I would come home in a heartbeat. I will sell everything I own and help her in her need. I would not mind sharing a room with my sister since we are both barely home anyways.. We would just come home to sleep. My mom needs to understand that regardless I will always be there for her. She really needs out of this marriage. She is going broke, she is starting to get a million credit cards and also my dad keeps spending money like there is something there when there isnt. DAMN. My family is broken .. Yes we have our get togethers and we are happy but each family has there own problems.. and we all deal with it on our owns… but in the end if we need each other we are there for one another. I wish my mom understood that right now. sigh..
and on the other note. I dont wanna be in college. I honestly dont.. I just wanna go straight to work.. I dont care what i do because the thing is when it comes to money for myself it is all saved. Trust me it is. All i want is to have a happy family, a house on lake Washington and the essentials to go with it. Seeing how one my aunties who make the least amount of money out of everyone move into a nice house, all four of her kids have new ipads, new shoes, new clothes, nice rooms, and nice TVs shows me that as long as you just spend money right you will succeed .. it doesnt matter what kind of job you have as long as you spend it right that is all that matters. Well thats all that matters to me. Oh well no one understand that.. No one will ever understand that but me in my family. Why waste money on college if I know that it will be so hard out there in the field when i can just start now and move my way up ? UGH . oh well.
You know what’s a big turn on? When you’re making out with someone and they just randomly get on top of you. Yeah that is fucking great.
These late night thoughts are killing me .. I hate it so much.. im killing myself everyday…